How I'm Actually Feeling...
October 24, 2017
Hey guys,
So this is taking a lot of courage to write the post, I know I'm gonna struggle to actually explain but hopefully, you'll understand. This is something really personal.
As some of you may (or may not) know I am the eldest of 7 kids (3 brothers and 3 sisters), my dad works away and comes home on a Friday late afternoon and goes back on a Monday morning and my mum has a 9am til 6pm job. During primary school, I used to be really active fully enjoying Taekwondo, Football and Cheerleading. When I reached high school there wasn't really any football opportunities so this fizzled out and due to commitments to work and Cheerleading competitions I gave Taekwondo up. However, when I reached Year 8/Year 9 my interest in Cheerleading started to fizzle out. I'm not entirely sure what triggered this off, whether it was GCSE's approaching and wanting to socialise with my school friends more often. But one factor I do know triggered it was the fact my mum and dad were too busy to stay for some training classes and out of many, many of my competitions they only ever turned up to 2 competitions. When you reach high school, you start thinking more of yourself and confidence and my self-esteem was getting pretty low due to looking around the competition room and seeing lots of families and friends cheering on the dancers and realising that I knew anyone. I know it was a sport that I should enjoy for myself but obviously, you want to share the experience with people your close to. Don't you?!
In addition, when I started high school I felt more of a responsibility at home (due to it being just being my mum with 7 kids) which included; making the tea, doing the packed lunches, the washing machine and dryer. I don't know what caused (excluding the new hormone changes) but me and my mum used to always argue constantly after school and before school. It got to the point where I couldn't focus in school and I would come into school crying and was always in my Head of Year and the Wellbeing's office and my Form Tutor would take me out of form to ask me how I'm feeling and what the argument was about. When I speak to my friends they have such a close relationship with their parents and I would always feel left out. I even struggled to tell my mum when I had first started my period. It did get to a point where I would purposely throw myself off my bunk bed, pinch my arms until I had marks and it got to a point where when I fell off the bed I ended up with a carpet burn surrounding my eye. That made me stop doing that to myself! I know it's not their fault because she has 7 kids and doesn't have my dad during the week, so I had my own flaws and could have helped out a lot more. Also, I did used to ask for so many lifts to places which wasn't needed. I was just being lazy!
When I reached college/sixth form I put all my effort and energy into getting the best results as I could. Then it came to applying for university or apprenticeship. My mum and dad believed an apprenticeship was the best choice as they have quite good jobs without that degree. So until a few weeks before university started I was choosing apprenticeship until I had that change of heart. I would still pick the same choice now! During school I would always get that knock during school as for a year I fell out with my best friends (luckily were best friends again now, even closer tbh and if that didn't happen we wouldn't have made friends with our other best friends). Also, when it came to Awards Evening my mum and dad would show up, Parents Evening my mum would show up (even though she believed she didn't need to) but when it came to picking GCSE's and A-Level results up I would be by myself in a ball of nerves. Even Prom and Ladies Day I had to celebrate and get dolled up without them (which I do understand was no fault to them due to work commitments). It was just really difficult when my best friends parents would turn up and take picture and flaunt off their girls and when the mum's would ask where my parents was and if they wanted themselves to take a picture of myself. I did feel bad on my parents as they didn't mean it and my mum was suppose to celebrate Prom with me but my friends had a change of plans which didn't suit my mum.
Me and my mum have got much closer as we are both massive Liverpool FC fans so we have that in common to talk about and we will watch the same TV programmes together and we have similar tastes in music. I've just bought her The Script tickets for her birthday as The Script and Olly Murs are they acts we HAVE to see! However, we still aren't very close as sometimes I don't feel very confident in opening up in things as I get very shy easily and she gets too excited to share things with my auntie and cousins. And also we struggle to have a 1 on 1 because of the amount of kids. Due to me working on weekends, or her football commitments (Liverpool FC or my brothers) we have never been able to shopping trips or go for a meal or cocktails and just have a girly day. I'm always saying to her about good cocktail deals and spa day, but it never happens. Even my auntie has mentioned it and said that her and my cousin could tag along.I also have to go the doctors by myself which is quite regularly as I suffer daily with fatigue, no 'get-up and go' energy and migraines and stomach pains which are very painful which stops me from doing daily acitivites. There's been times where I've spoken and dated boys where I could have told her but never had the chance so she now believes I have never kissed a boy before ahah! I always feel like correcting her but I always run out of that opportunity and would rather tell her when there are no one surrounding us and I know she'd tell everyone before the day ends. I know that shows excitement but I'm not really a fan of that as I'm quite shy and secretive. I've told her a few times about my blog but I don't think she remembers. In addition, I have become very low in confidence over my body I know I'm not fat but in the last few months I have put the weight on, in particular; my face, thighs and stomach. I go the gym and have DVD exercises but my mum and dad will never be short of letting me know about the weight gain or how many spots I have recently got on my face.
For the past year or 2 my health has really impacted my life. No matter how long I've slept for (6-10 hours) I will still wake up really tired and would have no motivation or energy for the whole day. I'll sometimes be that tired and drained I have to put myself to bed for a nap. I can literally sleep through my alarms so just to wake myself up I have to set about 4 alarms. Even on days off I have to set alarms otherwise I will still be asleep at noon or even 1pm. Since being more fatigue my migrianes have started to become daily, with some days being minor and the odd day where it's severe where I cannot get out of bed. Since starting university again, I'll wake up and already be stressed with a massive to-do list and I'll be working out where I need to be for what time and what time I need to be home for to carry on with chores. During the summer, I was out of pattern due to finishing uni for the summer and my work hours going from less than 12 hours to 30+ hours. And most of them shifts were night shifts, so I was losing my day and nights.
It got to the point where I was my best friends in the pub and I just broke down because even though I was with them enjoying myself in the back of my mind I felt lonely and invisible. Sometimes, I felt like when I spoke to them they would either blank what I had just said or they would completely change the topic or speak over me. I know we are all bad for doing it, but I felt it was more towards me. I also felt out of the loop with gossip because they always Facetime and message each other daily whereas it's a shock when I get an incoming Facetime. Whilst we were in the pub my best friends mentioned how I had excluded myself from the group and one of the girls was talking about her mum and she had said I didn't even make a comment (which sounds like I was being rude). I did in fact make a comment about her mum but she said she never heard me, which I said that was my point. The girls also thought I was more friendly and happier with uni girls. But I just explained uni is only a few hours a day and they don't know my life aswell as my best friends. So it's a bit like a mask and an escape. In the end, they understood and they've been so supportive towards me and always ask me how I'm feeling and they'll always message and we will make more plans to meet up for catch ups.
Currently, I am feeling still quite low in body confidence and self-esteem but I do know this will take time. I have changed to a healthier diet and more exercise are helping physically and mentally. I follow quite a lot of inspirational pages so when I wake up and check my social media I will across quite a few quotes on Facebook and Instagram. Also, I have become very invested into photography, especially with nature and sunsets. I have also cut back on my hours in work to less than 12 hours (mainly due to uni work.) But I feel so much happier with my best friends and confident in sharing how I'm actually feeling. My family situation won't change and I'm used to that now. I'm 20 years old and the youngest is 10 so hormones are raging through the household. 2 brothers are 15 and 16 so they clash a lot and have their own problems with one of them suffering from really bad anger problems. I just share my news and gossip with my friends. It won't be long until I either move into a flat of my own or I decided to go travelling and work abroad. I'm still deciding. My migraines, tiredness and stomach pains are still a problem with me having regular visits to the doctors. I go the doctors for them to tell me the same thing, which stresses me out and annoys me so much. My migraine tablets don't even work which is even more annoying. I have tried a food and sleep diary and they have cancelled them out as triggers.
Nadine Alex x
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