It's A Lonely World...

So I actually started this blog post at the end of January and had wrote about the impact Dry January had on me but then I got distracted and didn't get around to publishing it. But after the recent tragic death of Caroline Flack I have decided to re-write this post.

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Dry January had it's ups and downs and they say some benefits of it includes; healthier skin, more energy, more motivated/productive, better finances, weight loss, healthier liver, a better sleep pattern etc. However, I was quite ill December and January so I didn't really face many of these positivities. My sleep was all over the place - was napping a lot and wide awake at night, brain was in constant overthinking mode, skin was a mess (so many spots and red), constant headaches, no concentration and no energy. But although my bank account and liver was happy. And although Dry January actually done me a world of good in the long term, I've actually realised that taking nights out out the equation I don't do anything and that I just stay in and binge watch tv. I don't even get changed. Sometimes it does good and everybody has to have a lazy day but I do it quite often. Sometimes I think me and my friends are all at different stages of our life and that I'm stuck in a rut. People think I'm just the 'party' and 'energetic' person. But I'm more than that. 

A few months ago, one of my friends told me she knew me and that I pretend not to care when deep down I do. She's right. I'm not good with emotions. There has been 2 big situations with lads where it ended really, really sh*t and I was just like 'Yeah I'm okay', 'I knew it was coming', 'I didn't like him anyway' etc. I try to justify every situation. But deep down I was heartbroken at the situations and the crying would just come at night. So no one ever saw. I've dated a few guys since but my barriers are really high and I tend to run away when they actually want a date or if they want a second date. Dates give me major anxiety. And I'm not a fan of these dating apps. I always think at my wedding I want to give a 'cute' story of how we met and not be like 'Oh yeah I thought he was fit so swiped right'. It works for some people but I am old school. 

Another one of my friends was down and was saying about how 3 of our close friends have relationships and that she wants one. She started comparing and saying how she was left behind in terms of relationships, driving and having a full-time job. I said that I was too. She commented 'But you don't care'. That was hurtful. Not hurtful in the sense that she hurt me, but I've hurt myself as I have given off that persona when deep down I feel the same as her. 

I also think it's pressure as my sister who is a year younger than me is engaged with a 7 month old baby and a house. My sister is the complete opposite to me too, so it came unexpected to everyone. My sister isn't a sociable person, doesn't drink and loves to stay in and watch every TV programme going. She met her fiancé in work and after 2 dates were officially together, moved in 4 months later and then 4 months later ended up pregnant. Yes very fast. But for her it works. The amount of family and friends who compare us and make little comments is crazy. And that is what puts me down the most. 'Nadine your so sociable', 'How do you go on nights out and not meet a guy', 'We always thought you'd be first'. My two younger brothers aren't 'man slags' either, if they like a girl they get in a relationship with them. So then I hear comments from that too. I know I don't have to, but I feel pressure in having to keep lads a secret until I know they are going to be someone I am going to settle with, just because of my siblings relationships and the fact I am the eldest.

But it's not even relationships. The amount of comments my family make about the weight I've put on (double chin is the big one) or if I'm having issues with my skin. I know my siblings have only just become teenagers so don't actually understand and will probably suffer with their skin when they are older. But I am sensitive. And these little comments do get to me. It plays on my mind. 

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So on Thursday night I got my shower, in my pjs and curled up on the couch. Like most days after work but I must have had a face on me. My mum asked me what was up and I just said nothing. Friday I done the same and then yesterday I just lay in bed until about 4:30pm. My mum just said 'Nadine, what's the matter, you look lost'. But I do. How do you explain that? If I said yes, she would ask why. I don't know why. It's like when you hit a bump in the road, but it's a never ending bump. It literally took it's toll on my routine and how I felt everyday. Well it was more than a bump to be honest.  My parents got me some chocolates and flowers to cheer me up but it's more than that isn't it?! 

The news of Caroline Flack came out and I felt . I know she was going through a tough time with her court case and she didn't have the best track record with relationships but you would have thought she had so many people to speak to and get the help she needed. Especially as they all know how vulnerable she was and how she has been open about her mental health in the past. 40 years old and so talented. Such sadness. 

But it's not just Caroline Flack, there are so many people. Everyone suffers at one point of their life. Who expected Robin Williams to be depressed? Or Marilyn Monroe? Amy Winehouse? Heath Ledger having mental health issues? Its ridiculously crazy! Even today, a professional skater for Dancing on Ice has pulled out due to the negative press and the impact it has had on his mental health. Even look at Princess Diana and what the press done to her? And Meghan Markle. Hardly surprised she has left England to move back to Canada. This isn't what we were born or grown to live in. 

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Words have such a huge yet damaging effect on everyone, whether it's a celebrity, their family, a friend or a stranger. It only needs to be one comment. People do and say things for basically a like, a retweet, a laugh. And its harmful especially a the expense of someone else, which can ultimately push them over the breaking point. It's not about being 'sensitive' or 'dramatic.' I always think would I like that comment being said to me? How would that make me feel? Some people may find that they can 'brush' things off and have 'thick skin' but there does come a time. For everybody. I always make out that I can brush things off, when I know I can't and it was replay itself over and over and over again in my head. I even play scenarios in my head that haven't even happened. 
Some tips to help if your feeling lonely or sad:

• Speak to at least one person
• Go for a walk
• Blog
• Take a long hot bath with some candles list
• Feeling Happy playlist
• Cry - Letting it all out can actually help
• Inspirational/motivational quotes - I follow so many accounts that are dedicated to quotes
• Take yourself away from social media - There's so much negativity out there as well as people posting fake pictures to seem perfect. 
• Be creative - colouring, jigsaws, puzzles
• Exercise
• Tidy up - Cleaning is a one person job and can do whatever jobs you feel like doing. Cleaning actually makes my head feel a bit tidier too.
• Be honest with someone about how you feel
• Wake up and think of something positive or that you are appreciative of - Consider how lucky you are and remember how far you have come
• Cook or bake something
• Make plans with people - get in touch with people you have lost contact with
• Write about how your feeling - It takes a weight off your shoulders, believe me
• Celebrate your achievements
• Book yourself in with your salon - Whether its your eyelashes, eyebrows, spray tan, nails, hair, facial - This can do wonders
• Volunteer

Copyright: Mental Health Believe UK Facebook Page