Hey guys,
In the light of another mental health suicide, Mike Thalassitis, I have decided to dedicate this post to mental health awareness. If you have been following me for a while you would know that I have had quite a few lows for about 7 years and up until 2 years ago I was very withdrawn about talking about it. But last year it hit me really hard that I needed to start being more open about it.
So let's recap...In June, I came back from Barcelona with my friends and came straight home to an argument with my mum and one of her friend's got involved. My auntie was also there and she's always been my second mum and stuck up for me and said that I had just walked through the door and hadn't spoken (and was oblivious to the situation, which I will discuss). As I didn't want to be near my mum after the argument I stayed at my auntie's for about 2 days and then my mum came over and was whispering with my auntie. I asked what was going on, in which my mum had said nothing but my auntie said I needed to know. Anyways, they sat me down and explained my sister (who is a year younger and the complete opposite to me) has got depression and has been self-harming (pinching her arms) on and off for 10-11 years and that she was currently blaming me. Me and my sister Courtney are literally the opposite. I am the outgoing one who likes to be sociable and go on nights out whereas she prefers to have just sit in which her 2 friends and watch every film and tv series going. I have offered to teach her makeup and bought her lots of makeup and brushes to help out with her confidence but she isn't interested. I'll do her makeup when theres a special occasion. To be honest, I wish I had her confidence in not wearing makeup. I've asked Courtney plenty of times if she wants a girly night and maybe go the pub (don't have to drink) but she's not interested. She explained the reasons in why she was depressed because I am the 'prettier' one, the 'bubbly' one, the one 'who gets all the attention.' Anyways, its now nearly April and she's got a boyfriend and is 6 months pregnant and we are getting on so much better.
Then, on the 4th July, I was sunbathing in the garden with my book (The Couple Next Door) and it hit me that I needed to get the dinner on. So I came inside and got the tea on and my 16 year old brother, Michael, was playing with my 10 year old sister, Summer. What I thought was odd yet refreshing was that Michael was actually playing with his siblings and smiling and having fun instead of constantly bickering with them and being on his Playstation games til all hours of the night. Anyways, I called the kids down for the dinner and like every other day, Michael took his dinner to his bedroom. My mum came in about half an hour later and was saying that she had weird messages off Michael's friends, in which he was saying goodbye to them and was giving them his Playstation details. I was completely dismissive and was like nopee it's a sick joke, he's in his room eating his tea. We went to his room and he wasn't there. It then hit us. We were like what do we do. I started running up and down the street, went to the local shops (incase he went for snacks or a drink or meeting his girlfriend). We got in touch with his girlfriend and she was saying she hadn't spoken to him and was very dismissive aswell about the situation. We got in touch with family and friends and we all got in the cars and was driving around trying to find him. About 20 minutes later, we seen these 2 young boys who looked about 12 years old saying how there was another boy on a bridge. We went straight to that bridge and my mum was distressed and was saying she couldn't go up. I ran up the stairs, heart racing and there he was. He was slumped on the floor with slit wrists and unconscious. I nudged him a few times and he regained consciousness and we called an ambulance who then got in touch with the police. After the bridge and wrist situation, it took about 5 mins for about 6 police officers to arrive and they were very helpful. They then asked if he had taken anything so my mum had to go back to the house to search for anything but because the ambulance took forever, one of the police officers took Michael and I in his car to the hospital. It then hit me even more when the receptionist at the hospital asked me what Michael was in for and asked where it had happened and if it was accidental. My mum turned up about 10-15 minutes later and my dad drove down from Derby (thats where he work Monday to Friday). We was in the hospital for hours and they explained they were going to keep him in over night under observation. I called work and explained what had happened but because they were short staffed I had to go in so I swapped my shifts so I could do night shifts. I was keeping my eye on him in the day and going to work at night and my parents were keeping an eye on him in the night (and locking harmful things like medication and sharp things away) and going to work in the day. It started to destroy me, mentally, socially and physically. On one shift a group of drunk lads came in and was quite abusive and normally I would just dismiss it and get on with the shift but I answered him back and it all kicked off and I broke down.
With Michael, there is no in-between. He's a disruptive student who was always getting excluded for the day and spent 3 or 4 days a week in detention. Certain teachers he would really not like and would make sure they knew it. In primary school, he was having a bad day and because he didn't like our mum 'nagging him' on doing his chores he lashed out and hit her with snooker cues. We then realised he needed help. But apparently, because he can sit still he doesn't have ADHD. He calmed down for a few years and his girlfriend and his friends settled him down. That day on the bridge was due to finding out his girlfriend had cheated on him. Michael is really thin and lanky for a 16 year old but when he's angry his body weight triples and doctors are saying he's not a high priority (and still isn't to this day). Because I am older he turns the anger onto me and because I will stick up for my parents and siblings he does lash out and I just bruise easily tbh. He got back with his girlfriend and everything was great again. However, in December, she cheated again. This then resulted in a really big domestic situation between me and him because I had asked him why he was leaving our younger brother to do the tea and my mum asking why he hadn't been to college. It got to the point where I was crying and struggling to breathe as I was hung over a banister, thrown over a table and pinned to the floor by my throat. The police had to come out and sort the situation and he had to stay with my auntie and uncle. They were absolutely shocked that someone who is so little yet lanky can create them bruises to my body and tissue damage to the neck and still not take responsibility for the actions, yet it blame it on me. That night, my dad came home from Coventry (which is where he had been moved to for work) and Michael turned on him. Because I was in the room he lashed out at me and my dad this time, so the police came out again. This time the police officer was lovely and offered us all support. I get help off MIND and he got classed as high priority with the GP. They have discovered that he has uneven hormone levels and his testosterone is higher than a 30 year old man so he can't control it. However, CAMHS still don't class him as a high risk. We are now basically in April, and have still got no further. He is learning to control his temper and him and his girlfriend have fully split with no contact but we are still living on eggshells as his social media is full of depression and negative mental health posts and hasn't learnt to talk about it fully yet.
Sorry, about the long post there. Now in this post I just want to highlight some key organisations that can help with mental health.
- MIND - Personally I love this organisation. Their website is worth the check. It gives you someone to talk to for advice and guidance and goes into each mental health issue and gives you signs and symptoms to recognise for each issue and how to control and manage. The doctors recommended this to me and I am so grateful. I usually go online once a fortnight or whenever I am feeling particularly low.
- Samaritans - Samaritans is well-known and have people available 24/7 for you to speak to when they can't speak to someone else or when they feel lonely. A fact they have shown is that every 6 seconds someone gets in contact.
- Your own doctor - To be honest, even though doctors are helpful in some ways and can prescribe medication to help it's not plausible in giving you a long term solution. If your lucky you only get 10-15 minutes with a doctor and each time you could end up with a different doctor. Which for sure I have.
- Calm - Calm are big organisation who aswell are available in helping to support and advise males who are helping mental health problems. Calm have a free and confidential helpline and webchat and also is available to people who lost someone due to suicide.
- Personally, the police had got in touch with an organisation called Tomorrow's Women who then got in touch with me. This organisation is amazing. They were helpful doing the time with the domestic situation with my brother. There are so many women who go to this support who have been in a similar situation, have mental health issues, have low self-confidence and self-esteem or just want to escape for a little. Tomorrow's Women is obviously for women of all ages and they have many different classes on each day including; dance, yoga, arts & crafts, learning to cook, breakfast club, poetry classes, boxercise, calming and mediation sessions, money and debt advice, NHS Mersey Care drop in, legs, bums & tums session, domestic abuse support group and many more sessions.
Hope you found this useful, even just slightly.
Nadine Alex x
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